Who I should have been

As a big lover of music, I've always completely melted when listening to Radiohead's "Karma Police." Besides just simply loving the song...those words: "For a minute there, I lost myself" resounded so clearly with me.

I was lost; I wasn't being who I was meant to be. I wasn't exactly sure who I was supposed to be, but I knew I wasn't happy. I was lost in the world and felt like an alien. I was not being who I was truly meant to be, but I didn't know what that meant entirely.

I was trying to fit into the crowd around me, rather than being true to who I innately am. I scoffed at those bubbly, happy people thinking they had their heads in the clouds and must be misinformed about the reality of the world we lived in. I thought people that acted like that must be stupid...."air heads" as they say.

Somewhere, deep down I was naturally that way and I had hidden my light. There have been signs there my whole life that I was supposed to be a bubbly, happy person, bringing lightness, talkativeness and fun most everywhere I went. I used to be that way when I was a child! Sometimes the light in me could not be hidden anymore. I adore dancing and sometimes even dance while I shop at the store. Now I find myself also singing with the songs playing in stores...I seriously got sidetracked one day in the grocery store when a song I liked came on.

Some of you may think I'm strange to be into energy healing, and that is okay. Here is a video partially describing some of my struggles as a "Type 1" person in the Dressing Your Truth program (and all her other programs).

This is why at first, I thought I was a different energy type in Carol Tuttle's program. I have had many good ideas stolen or taken over by others. I have had parties and dance classes I have taught taken over by others that are pushy (but apparently they liked my idea). I have felt ignored by people when I voice my ideas or opinions so I had slunk into a shell and shut people out. I began living as a type 4 and feeling so bitter towards people in general. I joined the crowd around me in thinking that if someone was smiley and happy, they must be crazy and not know what I knew (that the world was cruel and awful). So glad to find out I wasn't living true to myself because I was SERIOUSLY depressed. Unfortunately, I feel like it's hard to find people who are positive, smiling, and friendly out there these days, but I can't give up hope looking for them and TRYING TO BE THAT RAY OF SUNSHINE AND FRESHNESS I can't often find in others around me.

The only problem is me speaking up and providing boundaries with people. I plan to work on this and my throat Chakra. Here's a video of the King's Speech exercises Carol mentions above:

Before I got married, I told my husband (who was then my fiance) something close to the following:

"We are going to live among the adults, and pretend to be ones ourselves, but I won't grow up! ...at least not to the point I lose my imagination and amazement at the things around me."

Shame on me, because it happened anyway. I lost track of that spark within me. I had children and depression deepened because I had a lack of sleep, a lack of friends with positive attitudes, and some very energetic boys. I hid away, because I began to further lose myself to depression and feel like I just wasn't worth anything. No one seemed to care or take notice of what was happening to me (besides my mom and husband).  I began self harm. It was like a fire, and I tried to keep it under control. A couple days after I started a draft of this blog entry, my husband's dad passed away. I promised myself (and I think his dad told me in spirit too) at his funeral that I would never hurt myself on purpose again.

How ill-informed I was to think that someone who is happy and bubbly is crazy! How could I have lost myself that much to think that who I was born to be is a bad thing? Satan is real and he had me convinced. I knew the real truth, but I didn't FEEL it. But after energy profiling, and energy healing...oh how much joy I naturally have and FEEL when others around me support me for who I truly am and take me seriously.

Positivity and enlarging our lives

I know this blog of mine has been sorely ignored and under-utilized, but I felt the need to express some things I have been learning lately through meditation, energy healing, and training to overcome fear. I write this just as much for myself as others!

Whatever we focus on in our lives, ENLARGES. Focusing or meditating on positive experiences and the positive person we want to be is the only way to go if you want to be truly happy. Even if it seems like everything in your life is going wrong, there is always something to be thankful for. We should all be thankful just to be alive and living this human experience, and loving even the hard times. It IS possible to feel love even for the teaching moments! Everything beyond living are extraneous, but welcome blessings from heaven. Sometimes we expect more than we need to be happy, and it clouds our ability to see the blessings we have right in front of us.

How can the Holy Ghost be a guide in our lives if we choose to focus on all that is wrong in our lives or the lives of others? It cannot! If you look for the bad, you will find it, and you will feel it. If you're wallowing in your own pain, sadness or misfortunes, try to stop it right now. Stop enlarging the negative things and attracting more problems, take the focus off them, and turn to a more positive direction and start enlarging your love of life and others. Laugh more! I love you all.

Sincerely,
Me

At least WE thought it was awesome.

Oh, the Transformer breakfast-style cake. It was french toast flavored cake (made from scratch) with cream cheese maple flavored frosting (made from scratch with real maple syrup) and cooked, crispy bacon on top (uncured bacon). My husband and I were so proud and it tasted so good. 

I dreamed this one up, told my husband and he got excited about it. So we worked on it together one night. I excitedly posted this one on Facebook (husband did too) and waited for the comments and "likes" to roll in. Apparently, no one thought this was awesome since we didn't hear anything from anyone on either end. I still think it is awesome. I dreamed it up and my husband and I worked together on it as a "date" while the kids slept. 

You know what the best part is? My husband loves me enough to let me pursue my crazy dreams. He lets me stockpile tons of fabric and vintage clothing because I love it. It is the best to have a husband to share in my excitement whether or not he's truly interested in the thing I've done or made, he's simply loving it because it was me that did it or made it. 

I have felt lately that I just don't have much in common with those outside my family. I guess as long as I realize I am awesome, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. However, it sure would be nice to have some validation and true friendships outside of the internet. Ya know?

Eat your cake, human!

I'm a visual learner.

It's always better to show me how to do something rather than tell me. I love photographs. I love that they take a special moment and immortalize it. Not to say that I don't love a good story and I love hearing stories about my relatives.

Did you know that I'm related to the family with the largest number of tonsorial artists? The barber experience was much more than a haircut and a shave several years ago...and because there were so many tonsorial artists in my heritage, it's no wonder my interests are so varied and often combine science and art. One of my ancestors was Brigham Young's tonsorial artist and traveled with him. Rather than cutting Brigham's hair with scissors, the singeing technique was performed. It's very interesting, and I plan on diving in a little deeper to find more details and more stories from my family. I believe my mother has pictures somewhere too!

There is a document on project gutenberg from BYU and if you search the document at this link for the word, "tonsorial" you will find out more about John Squires, my relative. Here's the paragraph in the document: 

There was a wardrobe department, which was equal in importance if not

superior to the scenic arid property departments. This was presided

over by Mr. Claud Clive, an expert tailor, who with his assistants,

manufactured all the costumes for the male characters of the plays,

while the female costume department was presided over by Mrs. Marion

Bowring. Mr. Robert Neslen had general charge of the costume and wig

department, and dispensed the necessary apparel and wigs to the

company. There was also a tonsorial artist connected with the house,

who was always there to curl a wig or put it on in good shape for the

actors who needed such assistance. John Squires was the tonsorial

artist--he was a busy man in those days. He had his shop in a little

adobe house that stood directly opposite the "President's Office" on

the lot where the Amelia Palace was afterwards erected. John was the

President's barber, and had a large run of custom from the church and

tithing offices, besides nearly all the actors patronized him, so that

he was a prosperous man in the community. He continued to shave his

share of the people up to within a recent date, when he was obliged to

retire; "age with his stealing steps had clawed him in his clutch," so

this knight of the razor was reluctantly compelled to lay down the

implements of tonsorial art, the strong steady hand that once could

clean a man's cheek in about three strokes had grown weak and

tremulous, and but recently he passed peacefully away to that better

land where it is to be hoped there is no shaving or need of hair-dye.

His place is amply filled, however, for John has a numerous

progeny--and all his sons and grandsons, so far as we know them, are 

barbers. Here we find a true touch of heredity. 

On the same note, there is a really interesting and moving book that has just come out called "Dear Photograph," by Taylor Jones. Visit  http://dearphotograph.com/ for some awesome pictures and memories of families. Maybe you have some of your own you could share? Here's one that me or my children might be holding up in the same fashion someday...

Blig bloggety blog y'all!

Watch out world! I've entered the blogging world! It's a slightly smaller world than the real world, and we'll see if it's worth my time....or better yet, your time. You are the reader after all. So, go ahead, don't be shy, read! 

Today

I just downloaded the symphony of science album. It's an album based off the YouTube videos. Yeah, I'm a nerd. I'm hoping it will inspire my children to love science...or autotuned songs...or both. Well, at least it was free!  http://melodysheep.bandcamp.com/album/symphony-of-science-bundle-v15

I love how the wasp in this video stays in his house until he realizes how much debt he is going to be in.

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